A noite já tinha caído e aproximava-se uma madruga das que invadem este quarto e trazem os sussurros, a loucura e a dor de ser quem sou. Trazem as madrugadas que o tempo torna ainda mais pesadas e difíceis onde o único refúgio é estar o menos consciente possível.
Mas ouvi um grito da janela ao lado desta secretária, chamando e esperando por quem aqui dentro, em si se destrói. Levam-me embora, para longe daqui, por umas horas que gostava que fossem dias, meses… Invadimos bombas de gasolina e a noite angustiante que tanto conheço, à medida que me torno menos consciente de mim mesmo, seja com que substâncias forem, a linha do tempo desaparece e apenas existe um presente constante. Os silêncios e os olhares transmitem esta angústia e esta dor que pesa cá dentro, que queima esta alma. São ditas palavras sentidas e ouvem o suficiente para entenderem a alma deste ser, gasto e auto destrutivo, sem força para esperança. O tempo ensinou-me que nunca podemos esperar aquilo que já tivemos e perdemos. São feitos silêncios que dizem tudo aquilo que as palavras não são capazes e neles sinto tudo em mim, saindo pelos meus poros sujos de tanto drenarem dor. Sou a pior droga que posso consumir.
Viajamos sem tempo ou preocupação, observo as ruelas vazias e escuras que por momentos se tornam minhas. Viajamos tentando adiar o inevitável. Envolvo-me em tudo o que me rodeia e por uns momentos sou aquele passeio velho, pisado e frio. Aquela árvore seca, imóvel, esperando o fim. Esta rua pouco iluminada, morta, com muitas histórias que ficaram por contar, que doem e se sentem constantemente. Sou este mundo abandonado que ninguém sente.
Caminhamos sem amanhã, procurando algo que ainda não conhecemos. E somos nossos no conforto deste mundo que partilhamos.
A visão distorce e as vozes afogam-se. O pensamento abranda e o corpo pede mais. A consciência perde-se e a apatia cresce. O vazio em que vivo torna-se quase indiferente nesta mente que continua revivendo vezes sem conta memorias de tempos que sempre precisou e nunca mais terá, a não ser estas noites, fugindo do que amanhã, infelizmente voltará.
Por momentos deixo de ser este ser. Esta existência que parou de existir. Esta pessoa que morreu, depois de tanta gente magoar. Esta voz no pensamento que grita e chora por tudo aquilo que se tornou.
Acabo numa divisão cheia de pó, com vodka por beber, maços de tabaco que acabaram e drogas por tomar. Uma divisão cheia de brinquedos velhos, cadeiras partidas, armários antigos e paredes que guardam a nossa dor. Uma divisão que não é usada a não ser para abraçar quem somos, mesmo que não sejamos metade do que um dia pudéssemos ter sido. Que transmite este conforto na dor de ser quem somos. Encosta-se o colchão velho a um pedaço de madeira e fazemos o nosso sofá. Permanecemos ali, em frente a uma televisão desligada ouvindo a música que torna aquela divisão velha e desarrumada num local que, entre o nosso silêncio, nos faz escapar de tudo aquilo que lá fora possa existir.
E por momentos somos nossos, sem ontem nem amanhã. As confissões são feitas e surge o conforto que tanto falta e nunca aparece, neste quarto que guarda tudo aquilo que me lembra de mim e do quanto não aguento comigo mesmo. Que guarda tudo aquilo que toda a vida possa ter feito e possa ter querido, que me possam ter feito e me possam ter dito, o que possa ter tido e hoje, desapareceu, para deixar um vazio que me consumiu. Restando apenas dentro de mim pesadelos que sempre tive medo de viver. Por tudo o que amei. Desde quem me deus à luz ao simples chão que nesta noite caminhei. Por tudo e todos aqueles que um dia possa ter magoado. E por todos os dias em mim sentir o vazio que lentamente me apoderou, matando quem na verdade nunca deveria ter começado a viver. A culpa e a angústia pela imensidade de pessoas e momentos que por mim possam ter passado e possa ter sentido levam ao desespero. Sou um nada.
As pálpebras pesam e a luz de mais um dia lentamente surge. E ali adormecemos, depois de mais uma noite que devia ser transformada na única vida que conforta, depois de tudo aquilo que possa apaixonadamente ter vivido e por isso ter morrido.
domingo, março 12, 2006
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E o nada é TUDO...
Gosto de te ler em silêncio.
Beijo
sem palavras...adorei.
bj
Gosto de te ler...saborear as tuas palavras e sentir-lhes o seu verdadeiro gosto...beijinhos e votos de uma boa semana :)
*I got it.
Tanto para dizer sobre os subterrâneos da existência.Tanta incapacidade subjacente à ilusão de estar vivo e tanta perda e tanta salvação na noite que em nós cai como cai lá fora nos dias do tempo que lembram a morte.No entanto "são feitos silêncios que dizem tudo aquilo que as palavras não são capazes" e o tempo pára para ouvir essas vozes,imaculadas em nós pelo desígnio do amor que tudo mata para nos salvar.
"pq eu nao vou deixar-me beber como gin"
repete isto mts vezes.. cmg as vezes resulta.
beijinho*
eu nao sei se a noite te faz bem ou mal.
sei k gostava de te apagar as madrugadas.
e meter te a dormir.
e dizer 'ta tudo bem, ves? ja é de dia' qnd acordasses.
eu keria k tivesse sbem.
os amigos kerem isso uns pos outros e deviam conseguir...
*abraço dakeles k te devia ter dado no verao*
Nicotine, Valium, Vicodine, Marijuana, Ecstasy and alcohol...Cocaine.
a noite... que nos deixa completamente embriagados.
"depois
deixarei o dia avançar com o barco
que levanta voo e traz as más noticias dos jornais
e o cheiro espesso das coisas esquecidas - os óculos
para ver o mar que já não vejo e um dedo incendiado
esboçando na poeira uma janela de ouro
e de vento
(Al Berto)
Beijo
Rose*
Desta vez apenas para te deixar um beijinho de boa tarde ;)
a força esta em ti. se os deixas vencer, nd ha nd q t possa ajudar. na minha opiniao, devias tentar, uma vez mais, levantar a cabeça e ser feliz. basta quereres (c mt força)
beijinho
Admiro-te por conseguires transportar tanto sentimento nas tuas palavras e por fazeres com que cheguem tão longe. =)
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